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The team is sporting the white/blue MrExcel baseball jersey. Instead of uniform numbers, each jersey is customized with a valid cell address or range.
RosterThe roster for this year's team:
A1 - Doug
V8 - Denise
AM:FM - Rahul
C4 - Matt
T42 - Cat
K9 - Big Dog
AC:DC - The Rick
R2 - Michelle
D2 - Jono
C3 - Lori
P0 - Jeff
BY:BY - Scoop
HI5 - Laurie
GO2 - Jen
F16 - Johnny T
AK47 - Andy
AH:HA - Shari
IC2 - TBD
IQ82 - TBD
I8 - TBD
Schedule
Games are played on Tuesday nights. Location TBD. Geeks’ Favourite Softball Team Falls to 4-2 Finish Season in fourth place, make Tier 1 of playoffs Rueters (Toronto) – Like the cloud that surrounds Stenson Island on Stoney Lake, Tuesday night’s tilt against the Scarborough Doobies saw the Mr.Excel.com’s hopes for a first place finish go up in smoke. Fighting for first against the undefeated Boobies (Ed. Note: Please forgive any typographical error’s, I’m on vacation), the undermanned ‘Cellers put forth a valiant effort. “Team…played…beer”, murmured Coach Carter, his mind already over the loss and focused on the next task at hand. The game got off to a fast start for the ‘Cellers with a rejuvenated Matt hitting a lead-off, seeing-eye homerun. “Once I saw it get past the left-fielder, I decided I might as well give this bionic left hammy a workout,” said Matt. Not surprisingly, the throw to home trailed Matt by the length of a Col. Steve Austin leap. Matt’s legwork inspired his fellow ‘Cellers to new defensive heights in the early-going. Their fieldwork proved as sharp as their uniforms, holding the prolific Doodies to just four runs through four innings. The tightly knit MrExcel.com’s became unraveled in bottom half of the fifth. With their offense stalled, the pressure on the defense was too great; like so many in the MrExcel.com community when faced with a difficult challenge of the month, the fielders cracked. The ‘Cellers surrendered eight runs to a suddenly confident Coodies’ offense. En route to their eight runs, the Moodies’ pitcher’s predictive powers left players ponderous; calling one ball fair before it even met his teammate’s bat. The uphill climb ahead of the ‘Cellers proved too great. They could muster only one additional run since surrendering their 4-1 lead. Knowing he needed just one more run scored to secure his large performance bonus, Johnny T relied on his dainty bat, fast feet, and quick thinking to ensure he will not default on his newly purchased DNA condo. “Here’s the deal,” said Johnny, “I figured if I half bunted with a semi-full swing, it would shock the fielders.” With the home team leading and no need to play the bottom of the seventh, the game was officially over. Or was it? The schitzophrenic pitcher from the opposing team approached the ‘Cellers as they were deciding where to meet after the game, and attempted to engage them. “We’re allowed to play the bottom of the inning if we want because run differential matters, but our run differential is already good, and we have another game later so maybe we don’t want to play the bottom of the inning, but just so you know we can play it if we want because run differential matters, but did I mention that ours is really good, but maybe we shouldn’t play it, so good gam…guys…guys…where did everyone go?” he said. The answer to his question: The Fox and Fiddle, where no team can compete with the MrExcel.coms, no matter how good their run differential is. 'Cellers Ground Jets
Comeback Kids Scratch Out Lead, Hang on for Fourth Win
June 6, 2006.
Downsview Diamond #1 (AP) - Unlike many fields in the TCSSC, the premier diamond at Downsview Park is well-apportioned with fences. But unlike many Tuesday evening softball games, last night's affair was completely devoid of defenses. The MrExcel.com's and Lenny and the Jets each traded run-limit innings, and neither team recorded a scoreless frame until the 'Cellers shut down the Jets over the final inning and made a slim 23-21 lead stand up. The 'Cellers seemed to control the game early, breaking open a 6-5 game by putting eight runs across in a mercy-shortened third inning. Small ball was the order of the day; the 'Cellers scratched out six runs on nine singles that inning before reaching the run limit with a two-run double. "It's singles night!" yelled Denise, having left Rahul at home on the DL with a bum hamstring. But the momentum soon slipped away. The Rick opened the fourth with a single, and two outs later came rumbling around the bags on Scoop's deep double. Waved home by the third base coach, The Rick sneaked a glance into the outfield... and promptly went down hard in a dusty, tumbling heap, finally rolling to a stop on his back a few feet short of third base. The Rick stayed in the game long enough to score on Lori's single, but had to retire with multiple lacerations to the knees and hands. Cat, already the team general manager and scorekeeper, added nurse to her titles by producing a first aid kit and bandaging up the wounded Tuesday warrior. "Holy %$&*!" offered The Rick, "I can't even grip a bat now. Will I be able to play bass guitar again? 'Cause if I can't still rock, I don't even wanna live, man." Cat ordered the recuperating axeman to one week of complete digital rest, followed by 10 days of air guitar therapy -- starting with nothing but ballads. The blood stopped but the runs kept coming on both sides. Doug lined a two-run homer in the fifth for the spreadsheet enthusiasts, and Chris singled home another in the sixth to take a 19-13 lead, but Lenny and the Jets roared back with eight runs of their own in the bottom of the sixth. Coach Carter reached base safely but the 'Cellers soon found themselves down by two runs with two outs in the final inning. Then the bottom of the batting order came through; Michelle and Doug rapped singles to load the bases, then Jen and Denise each singled home a run to tie it. "Tonight was a sure indicator that our girls are better than their girls," offered Doug, presumably referring at least partly to their softball skills. Matt's single put the 'Cellers up two runs before the defense took the field in the bottom of the inning. There was some discussion between the teams at this point, the Jets thinking they had a 23-21 lead and the game was over. Coach Andy quickly set the record straight "We've got ourselves a full-time scorekeeper with three university degrees, so I'm pretty sure we can count to 23." In fact, Coach Andy himself has repeatedly demonstrated his ability to count to 24, or sometimes even to 36 empties on a long weekend at the cottage. Having given up runs in every inning so far, the squad's defenders were hard pressed to make the lead hold up. The Jets put the leadoff hitter on, but before they knew what hit them Shari caught a pop fly at home, Andy caught one at first, and Doug corralled a grounder at short for the third out. The 'Cellers ascended to 4-1 with the win; Lenny and the Jets dropped to the basement at 1-4 with the loss. GAME NOTES: The 'Cellers banged out 34 hits to best their previous record of 23. The power outage continued, with only one home run and no triples....Scoop and Doug went 4-4, and Matt was 5-5...Sure sign of the coming apocalypse: Matt made a diving catch at second base and later threw out a runner from left field, while Johnny T turned a slick, unassisted double play in the fifth inning. The two had combined to form a stomach-turning middle infield in games past. Meanwhile, a normally sure-handed Scoop .. Andy, Doug and Michelle each accounted for three runs...Scoop went yard, deep over the left field fence in the first inning -- but foul. He settled for a single... Doug's sprinting homerun was his second in as many games. "Kid can flat out skedaddle," mumbled Coach Andy, "Only guy I know hits dingers with his legs." 'Cellers Improve to 3-1
Lucky Strikes Concede Game; Get Whipped Anyway
May 30, 2006.
Pelmo Park (AP) - For the first time this season, the MrExcel.com's outnumbered their opponents at game time. So much so that, unable to field enough players, the Lucky Strikes conceded defeat to the 'Cellers before the first clink of the bat. Eager to stay sharp, and to impress their title sponsor, the 'Cellers lent three players to the other team and proceeded to win the ensuing exhibition match 16-4 in front of an enthusiastic crowd of six souls. MrExcel himself, Bill Jelen, arrived at the park with an excel consulting companion midway through the game, joining in the stands pregnant scorekeeper Cat, spectator-turned-catcher Sherry, a nursing baby from the Strikes clan, and a poodle named Fletcher. The tilt carried a festive air, with the 'Cellers putting down the bats with only two out in a gesture of first-inning generosity. The baby's sitter came in the game and attempted some illegal bunting chicanery. Runners were repeatedly thrown out at the plate, at least until Johnny T took to pushing along a fading Shari from behind. In fact, of the four Strikes runs scored, one was on a charitable safe call at home and the other three were scored by MrExcel.com expats, so in a sense you could say that the spreadsheet enthusiasts won 19-0. "Yeah, you could say that." grumbled replacement coach Scoop, "Or you could say that twinkies are made out of ham, or The Rick is a handsome man, but just sayin' somethin' don't make it so." The assembled media cut Scoop some slack, allowing he may feel a bit raw after his public poodle-duty emasculation. Matt, Chris and Doug each slugged taters to stretch the lead, and with his eponymous squad up 14-4 in the final inning Bill Jelen stepped from the crowd and silently picked up a bat. The personification of the MrExcel.com business empire stepped to the plate, and the crowd hushed. Fletcher the poodle respectfully stood still, shaking quietly. The first pitch from a visibly nervous Doug buzzed behind Mr. Excel, the apparant beanball later dismissed as jitters. "That was just butterflies," explained Douggy Beachball, "You always pretend you're facing Mr. Excel pitching in your backyard as a kid, but when it actually happens you realise you can't ever be prepared for the real thing". Bill waved at the next two pitches, but somehow the excel scoresheet could not register the requisite third pitch for a strikeout. Confused, Doug kept shaking off signs from catcher Shari and bringing his best pitch, the infamous slurve. Bill swung and missed on three more offerings but Doug could still not register the out. His composure broke, he served up a breaking ball that hung in the zone, and Mr. Excel slapped a slow ground ball for an infield hit. The crowd erupted, and Doug himself later singled home Mr. Excel as the exclamation point on a 16-4 win. GAME NOTES: The Rick made his TCSSC debut a memorable one, going 4-4 with three runs...Big Dog's consecutive-appearance hitting streak ended with a fielder's choice in the sixth inning... Scoop slapped his team-leading second triple... Johnny T, Scoop and The Rick each plated three runs, and Shari's would have if not for running out of gas near the suicide line... Mr. Excel explained his plate appearance between ash-strewn pitchers of beer at Rakers Bar after the game. "I used to hit them all out of the park, but now I have trouble seeing things close up. No problem from a distance, though." Mr. Excel proceeded to point out a newspaper headline across the room that he claimed he could read, and an argument ensued between him and coach Andy as to which one "had the best eyes the doctor's ever seen". Results of Game 3
MrExcel.com Softball Team Uniform-ly Bad
(Reuters) Toronto – It was over before it began. On a field adjacent to the Pope’s Canadian pulpit, the prayers of the MrExcel.com softball team went unanswered Tuesday night. Playing at Downsview Park Softball Diamond #3, the MrExcel.com softball team succumbed to a self-defeating triumvirate of weak wardrobe, defensive debauchery, and base-running brainfarts. In what would become their first defeat of the season, the ‘Cellers took to the unkempt field looking disheveled and feeling intimidated. Dressed like a motley crew in various shades of blue, the visiting side looked across the field at their opponents – wearing radiant red uniforms – with envy. “I blame Café Press for this loss,” said Matt, “if we had had our uniforms, there is no way that team could have competed with us.” Overheard in the crowd during the game was Tuesday Softball 16C standout Ned Trienstoppmi III, “When they played us you could tell they thought they were going to get uniforms before the next game. Tonight, they looked totally defeated.” Despite their lack of sartorial cohesion, the ‘Cellers did not forfeit the game. They bravely played on in the face of almost certain defeat at the hands of the Big Red Machine. The top half of the first inning saw the MrExcel.com’s go scoreless against a sharp Hitmaker’s defense. In stark contrast, the home side scored the run maximum of eight in their half of the first. In allowing those eight first inning runs, the ‘Celler’s defense was at its worst. “A s--tshow,” declared Coach (Andy) Carter at Moxy’s after the game. If we once thought of these previously undefeated softballers as Supermen (and women), then the ball used in the first inning must have been kryptonite. Infielders and outfielders alike avoided the ball as if it had SARS; in testament to how closely knit these ‘Cellers have become, thinking that the ball carried the highly contagious respiratory disease, they threw it in nowhere near the direction of their teammates. Showing true grit, and buoyed by the prospect of a visit next week from team sponsor and father figure Bill Jelen, the MrExcel.coms mounted a steady comeback throughout the remaining innings. The comeback was ultimately thwarted by ‘Cellers’ base-running mistakes. “We couldn’t find second base with a GPS,” stated Rhaul. Perhaps it was the unfamiliar field, or the comparatively gargantuan bases, but regardless of the reason, you simply can’t score a run without first touching first, second and third. “It was a lot easier getting to third base in high school,” said Johnny T with a hint of nostalgia in his voice. The final tally was a 16-12 defeat for the MrExcel.com softball team. Despite being momentarily dispirited, the ‘Cellers quickly shook of the loss when someone suggested the best way to lift your spirits is to imbibe some. The evening ended on a high note when Scoop received a text message from team ghost The Rick telling of a Toronto Raptor Draft Lottery Victory! Results of Game 2
Mr.Excel.com's Battle Rain, Critics, Massive Communist Sports Apparatus
Comeback Kids Win 19-9, Take First Place in Softball at 2-0
May 17, Sweeney Park (AP) - As game time approached on the rain-soaked field last night, there was no joy in Mudville for the humble Mr.Excellers. The opposing horde, code-named the "Master Batters", ran crisp drills in the parking lot nearby. The Masters wore cleats and batting gloves and other honest-to-goodness baseball equipment. Meanwhile, the few ragtag 'Cellers who had trickled in tried to find some catching gloves and the league's rules on default; a perfect storm of illness, pregnancy, business trips and aversion to mud had dwindled their ranks from 17 to seven. The infield was covered by an inch of brackish pond, so the teams scouted out a fallback location nearby. Five small pools dotted this other infield, the expanse beyond a steeplechase minefield of puddles, pits, trees and goalposts. An improvement over the first field, sadly. As 7:00 drifted by, two more 'Cellers players trudged onto the field, then a lone spectator. Blessed years earlier with two x chromosomes, Sherry was immediately conscripted from the stands to join the team and meet the three-female minimum. 'Celler spirits rose. Briefly. The bolstered blue-shirts buoyantly began to bat - and recorded three outs in about 23 seconds. By contrast, the Master Batters' turn at the plate brought four quick tater-balls before the 'Cellers could staunch the bleeding. A cool bleak mist dampened sprits and necks, and panic loomed on the 'Celler sidelines. Shari loudly suggested the 'Batters consider joining the next division up, not our beginner's league. Johnny T huddled over his cell phone, whispering to the league office, "This team we're facing shouldn't be in the rec divison. They've been playing together for years... I saw 'em playin' as Chinese Taipei in the 1994 Little League World Series!" Was this to be the bursting of the mighty 'Cellers bubble, their game 1 victory exposed as a fluke? Scoop led off the 'Cellers second inning with a four-bagger shot through a shallow outfield, but the Masters adjusted their defense and quickly cut down the rest of the side in order. A dispirited 'Cellers defence ambled onto the field. Nudged awake, Coach Andy surveyed the long faces and slouched into action. It was time to start mumbling advice to his players. "Take the, uh, the outfield" he muttered to one 'Celler, "Cover the plate," to another. The chess game was on, and the 'Cellers converted three quick outs to end the second inning. Down 4-1, up to the plate stepped employee number K9. "Hit a home run," murmured the coach. The pitch came in flat, the Big Dog extended his arms, and bingo was his name-o. Cheers erupted from the 'Celler sidelines as the brawny center fielder rumbled around the bases. Recent-spectator Sherry drove a single up the gut, then was brought home when Dr. Haus made his rounds. Diagnosis: positive. Four straight base hits later Doug also circled the wagons, with the team's third dinger of the inning. The sun poked through the clouds. After Shari and Johnny T got on base, Coach went back to the kennel. Big Dog's ensuing three-run jack put the 'Cellers over the run limit, and they graciously handed the ball to the Masters and took their places in the field. The tally from the third inning: eleven hits, including four homers, for eleven runs. Every player on the roster got a hit and scored, and all with none out. Coach Andy was asked after the game how he turned the team's fortunes around. "Sometimes ... comes a time," he offered. "Gotta play good." Down 12-4, the dispirited 'Batters responded with a pair of runs but the damage was done. Fly balls were ran down for outs by Doug and Shari, liners found leather at second base, grounders were scoffed at by the infield in general. The potent Master Batter offense managed only a pair of runs over the next four innings. Mr.Excel.com tacked on three insurance runs in each of the fifth and sixth, so with the lead 18-9 going into the final inning, attention drifted back to the elephant in the room. Big Dog's two earlier moonshots had brought him within one of tying the late Ned "The Babe" Trienstoppmi for second place on the league's career homerun list. Ned's record was eclipsed by Jasdeep "Hank" Srinivasan in 1974, but remains revered by softball traditionalists. Big Dog's recent pursuit of the record has been dogged byinnuendo about the source of the burly slugger's penchant for hammer-time. The controversy was fuelded when the Babe's grandson, Ned Trienstoppmi the Third, was invited by 'Cellers brass to Sweeney Park to watch Big Dig chase his record - and very publicly declined. "My granddaddy stood for competitiveness, clean play, and competitiveness," said Ned III, himself a standout pitcher and first baseman for the Tuesday Softball 16C's, "I don't want his legacy to get all tied up in this controversy. I remember back about 1991, Big Dog was 160 lbs. when he played corner outfield for the (St. Mary's High School) Huskies. Now he's a big, first base, DH type. You tellin' me that there physique he's got now came naturally, out of nothin' but vitamins and competitiveness?" Big Dog's team-mates swear his power comes naturally from steak, potatoes and beer, but the critics remain. So it was to a mixed reaction that the Big Dog slammed the record-tying rainmaker in the seventh. His team-mates celebrated the accomplishment, but a green-shirted spectator on the nearby school's roof was spotted throwing down a pair of binoculars in disgust. GAME NOTES: Once again the 'Cellers played in a motley array of bluish shirts. Team uniforms have been graciously donated by Mr.Excel Headquarters, but the printing company shipped the package by an obscure dogsled and pack mule route that should put them in Toronto by May 29 (halfway through the season schedule)...The infield puddles at Sweeney Park #2 required creative placement of the orange rubber bases, turning the diamond into more of a rhombus…Andy's loping stride stretched a few doubles into singles...Some Keystone Kops action at first base early on, when Matt went for the putout himself while Shari stood on the bag expecting the throw. Explained Matt, "I looked down, saw some orange, saw some shoe, and stepped on 'em both." The runner was out, but Shari stayed in with a sore foot…. Scoop bashed a single, double, triple and home run to become the first 'Celler to hit for the cycle…Matt was spotted with his arm down the front of his pants in the second inning, rubbing cream on his thigh. The team's PR staff sheepishly claimed it was treatment for a reinjured leg muscle…The 'Cellers batting average dipped to .544, but the slugging percentage crept up to 1.114....Jenny Hustle ran several miles from the Lawrence subway station to arrive at the game on time, then played all seven innings and ran out every at bat… The defensive plays of the game both came by the Master Batters in the fourth. Chien Ming "Too Tall" Wong lept up into the branches of a small tree to corral Dr. Haus' deep fly ball with one out. On the very next pitch, diminuitive center fielder Harold "Willie Mays" Yung broke back and to his left on Matt's deep opposite-field liner, making the catch over the shoulder on a dead run... More Keystone Kops on the basepaths in the fifth: Scoop crushed a ball to left field, then got bunched up behind both Andy and Jen on the basepaths. Coming around third, Andy turned his head to watch the ball in the outfield and veered into the pitcher. Both lead runners eventually stumbled home, but Scoop was obliged to hold up at third with a triple…Starting pitcher Doug was ripped again. He allowed 18 runs on 20 hits, but his ERA dropped to 33.00... In the sixth inning Matt joined the tater parade, with a gimpy stagger around the bags like Kirk Gibson trying to get his sea legs. Evidence of an injury, or establishing an alibi for the hand-in-pants incident? …Six 'Cellers batters have a slugging percentage over 1.000, led by Big Dog's otherwordly 3.143....Overheard in the 'Cellers locker room (aka Philthy McNasty's Sports Bar) after the game: [1] Shari: "So I wanted to go to the casino where they give you free drinks, but Doug's paying $6.25 a beer." Johnny T: "If I'm paying $6.25 a beer I want to be seeing some boobies!!" [2] Matt: "That was the point when Ned's pride started screwin' him." Shari: "Ned brought his bride to the game?!?!? Results of Game 1
Sweeney Park (AP), May 10 - The Mr.Excel.com's jumped out to an 11-2 lead in their inaugural game and coasted to a 17-10 victory over the self-descriptive Tuesday Softball 16C's in softball action last night. Chris set the tone at raucous Sweeney Park before about 9 fans by slugging three-run taters in each of the first and third innings, then Andrew followed with a two-run dinger in the fifth. As the lead mounted, 'Cellers coach Andy opted not run up the score. "I'm proud of our players," boasted Coach Andy, "They came out and gave it 50 to 60 percent. About a third of the umpiring calls went our way, and we kept Ned under control. You can't stop a guy like Ned, so you just try to contain him and hope the other players don’t beat you." The 'Cellers granted the Tuesday's several questionable-to-myopic umpiring calls, and 'Celler hitters Andy, Andrew and Matt each pulled up at third base on what looked to be home run balls. Coach Andy recovered from early difficulties recognising or even counting players. "I've got the best eyes my doctor's ever seen," he drawled, "but something about the 7:00 sun kept me from recognising Matt from five feet away before the game. Then I was trying to tell the other team to put one more player in the field, but on second look … sure 'nuff, they had nine already!" By the second inning the local Andy Fan Club descended on the bleachers, and the magic Gatorade they brought settled down the rookie skipper. "Once I got some liquids in me and got them jitters out, it was easy to relax. I just told the team to count themselves, mingle around and find their own positions out there. Less is more." The 16C's made the score respectable in the fifth inning against what can only be called a creative 'Cellers defence, but the Excel-ent Ones responded with three more runs in the top of the sixth and mowed down the Tuesday's 1-2-3 in the bottom to break their spirit. The Tuesday's failed to answer the bell for the seventh inning, invoking the mercy rule even though league rules do not allow it until down 15 runs. "Down seven to these guys is like being down 20 to a normal team," explained Tuesday standout Ned, before quickly clarifying that of course he meant "guys" in a gender-inclusive sense. Jen had three seeing-eye singles and set a new 'Cellers record with three runs scored, sparking the bottom of the order. Jeff was a grounder-magnet at the hot corner and shortstop, making a few tosses from his knees to nail runners at first. The 'Cellers got great defensive plays from the Laurie and Lori tandem as well. Ten different 'Cellers scored, and overall the team sports a .550 batting average and 1.050 slugging percentage. Doug got absolutely lit up on the mound, allowing a Towersian 15 runs, 21 hits, three doubles, three triples and three homeruns in 3 1/3 innings of work. Relief hurler Johnny T, though, had his offspeed stuff working to perfection. Each of the three times he entered the game he allowed a hit to Doug, then settled down to hold the next batters a collective 1-for-9 with three strikeouts. He was charged with only 2 runs over 2 2/3 innings of work. "I was climbing the ladder for foul balls early in the count," explained Johnny T, "but when it got to two strikes I broke out the old slurve to finish them off. When you can change speeds like that in 3-pitch, you have a pretty good chance of getting out of the inning". Coach Andy was seen in quiet conversation with Johnny T in the locker room after the game (by which I mean Philthy McNasty's sports bar in Scarborough), reminding him that in 3-ball you pitch to your own team. GAME NOTES: The Tuesday's shortstop absorbed a pop fly to the beak in the first inning, but kept most of his teeth and stayed in the game. He never lost confidence in his glovework, even bringing the mitt out to coach third base… Nine 'Cellers players had two hits or more... Tuesday ringer Ned both showed and required great patience at the plate. He took several pitches for strikes, and stepped out of the box for a between-pitches routine of neuroses that made Nomar Garciaparra seem like Buddha... Each of the big blasts was of the rumblin' and stumblin', huffin' and puffin' inside-the-park variety. The Sweeney Park outfield is about 678 feet deep, pocked by trees to center and right… Doug had the play of the game in the bag, but his diving stab at a hard line drive to center field went off the tip of his glove….The Tuesdays resorted to a five-infielder defence for parts of the game, with players about an arm's length apart on the left side… The geriatric Matt is looking for another sponsor from A535 or Bengay, after coming up lame running the bases in the first inning....Andrew was due up in the seventh with a homer, triple and double to his credit already, so the Tuesdays' early surrender cost him a chance at the cycle…Jen's three runs justified her jersey number of "GO2", while Chris' two homers explained his jersey number of "BY:BY". For the BEST TV show on technology, check out Call for Help. The last softball update is from May 10, 2006.
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